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A Modest Proposal
(a
treatise on Gun Control, in the spirit and style of Jonathan Swift's essay of the same title)
There has been much effort and energy expended of late
on a matter that History will surely decree wholly frivolous and
unnecessary, a controversy that has taken such a heavy toll on the mental
energies of our overworked leaders, statesmen, media pundits, and even one
or two of our actors, and which has involved the wasteful expenditure of
billions of dollars in all manner of political persuasion.
I speak of course, of the
great gun debate, concerning the purchase and use of firearms by our
citizenry and the question of controls on such activities. Indeed this can
scarcely be called a debate any more, given the propensity of the various
factions to express their viewpoints with such ferocity and vehemence.
Some argue that current
legislation (which places some restrictions on the purchase of certain types
of weapons by certain types of people in certain venues) is far too lenient:
“A slight and ineffectual palliative of an enormous evil” says one; “a slap
on the wrist of a hideous monster”, says another. But there is an equally
vociferous contingent arguing that current restrictions are far too
stringent and an affront to freedom. The only truth that these opposing
forces can agree upon, it seems, is that the present situation is wholly
intolerable.
But I shall humbly venture a
remedy that shall put to rest for ever this most vexatious and trying
subject and allow our legislators to rest from their weary labors, while in
one fell swoop curing society's ills, including poverty, overpopulation, and
drug abuse, while promoting her blessings, her industry, her wealth, her
competitive enterprise and spirit.
Now some incredulous persons
may question how the solution to one problem may solve all these others and
perhaps deem it an outcome too fortuitous, serendipitous, or stupendous to
warrant acceptance. But I will prove that not only can this question be
resolved to society’s great advantage, but that it will occur with such
contingent blessing as shall astonish the mind. Future generations will look
back on this achievement as a great discovery for the Ages, a very
Philosopher’s Stone of political alchemy, if you will.
In setting forth this modest
proposal, I shall, in the end, seem to state the obvious, and I therefore
submit to the great and the good of Congress (lest I be accused of
circumventing the process of that august body), that penetrating thoughts
are more easily invoked in the quiet, solitary meditation of the bachelor
study, than in either the heated forum of democracy (so adept in championing
the gravest extremes of polarized opinion) or the laborious equivocations of
executive power. For some Gordian knots are best sundered by the keen swords
of mighty Alexanders, rather than pored over by the nimble fingers and
penetrating wits of experienced sages.
The reader will surely
wonder, when this reclusive truth, this brazen secret, shall be revealed in
all her beautiful simplicity and in her utopian outcome, why such a thing
was never voiced or suggested before, why this idea has not already cried
itself aloud to our esteemed Congress as the best and only means of ensuring
the future wellbeing of this great nation. In answer to which, I shall
simply assert that shy truth must sometimes veil her loveliness when
assaulted by noise, opinion, and a barrage of statistics, but that when she
finds a courageous advocate, will stand forth in all her blushing glory.
Let us first diagnose the
condition of our present, untreated evil. We live in a society steeped in
inequality between those who have firearms, often a criminal population, and
those who have none, who must live in fear of those who do. It is a public
disgrace, that in a country with enough gun ownership to furnish each man,
woman and child with a weapon, so many citizens are defenseless!
How can a just and fair
society, that boasts of the equal opportunity afforded each member, continue
in such a condition? Why shall it permit one element to be so unfairly
advantaged over another and penalize its most law-abiding citizens? Cry
foul, I say, on this most pernicious evil; redress this unwholesome
imbalance!
I therefore suggest a
solution, clear and simple, elegant yet effective, that will at once level
the playing field in favor of the law-abiding at the cost of the criminals,
empower our illustrious citizens to uphold public decency and morals, and
demonstrate an enlightened government nobly attentive to the safety and
wellbeing of its populace. And it is this: the free dissemination of a
firearm to every member of society.
What more public-spirited
gesture may be imagined? What better way to foster an unprecedented level of
harmony and cooperation among our citizens ‑ thus furnished with the means
to resist all danger, tyranny, and threat ‑ and to induce a feeling of
security and comfort unknown since that glorious day when the British were
rebuffed from our shores?
Naturally for this to work,
we will have to sweep away all statutes restricting gun ownership, and in so
doing shall assuredly espouse once again those fair-minded principles on
which our country was founded. "A well-regulated Militia, being necessary to
the security of a free state,” declares our great Constitution in its Second
Amendment, “the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be
infringed".
Let us penitentially then,
fall upon our knees and utter together: “O worthy document, prodigal-like we
return to the safety of thy bosom, vowing never to fail thee more. Full oft
have our consciences been sore afflicted by drafting measures of gun control
that have infringed thy noble and virtuous decrees. Have mercy on us,
miserable offenders, as we again embrace thee without qualification, without
restraint. We remember the First Commandment: ‘To love the Constitution thy
God with all thy heart and mind’ and the Second, like it: ‘To love our
neighbor’s gun as our own’.”
For we must all be reminded
that bearing arms is a good thing; the Constitution says so; and the
Constitution is an honorable document. Moreover, faced as we are with the
constant threat of invasion by our powerful and belligerent neighbors,
notably Mexico and Canada, we must arm our citizenry to the teeth and
prepare them to fight at a moment's notice against the infidel host. And to
the extent that firearms are now hundreds of times more effective and
powerful than when the Second Amendment was drafted, so much the more shall
we confirm our identity as true patriots and members of a free America.
The cry of “one citizen, one
gun”, a universal suffrage of firearms if you will, shall resound as a
reminder to nations everywhere, of our leadership of the free world ‑
setting an example for other governments to emulate ‑ and put to the blush
those kingdoms that have foolishly barred their citizens these God-given
rights and liberties.
To treat merely of the
constitutional benefits of my proposal, however, is to do it a great
disservice. Although I have set forth a vision for our country’s future with
remarkable and far-reaching consequences, even these blessings will be
transcended by the immeasurable ancillary advantages that shall prove so
curative of society’s manifold ills.
I begin by addressing the
elimination of poverty. Burdened as we are with welfare payments to the lazy
and the grossly undeserving, the distribution of guns shall tend to the
elimination from society of such burdensome individuals. That sacred notion
of survival of the fittest, so integral to our culture, here reaches its
apotheosis, by ensuring that the sick, the elderly, the blind, the lame, the
long-term unemployed, and the otherwise impaired, are put at the
disadvantage that is their natural inheritance and made prey to the
society-scouring zeal of the able-bodied. Let us cleanse ourselves of the
weak and infirm and make way for the vigorous, the bold, the daring, that is
to say, the hot-blooded youth of America.
My proposal will also serve
to address the closely related problem of overcrowding, particularly in
urban areas, and frequent gunfire will work wonders to thin out the ranks of
ghettos. Drug use will also be eradicated, for intoxicated users, unable to
shoot straight, will be swiftly eliminated by the strong-willed abstainers.
All of this may be considered akin to the pruning of a tree. By trimming
away the -- how shall I put it? -- deadwood citizens, we allow the thriving
and fruitful boughs to prosper the more.
Recent calls to eliminate
guns from crowded city areas are directly at odds with my sound reasoning
and therefore manifestly preposterous. How else shall slums be cleared of
the poor and the idle, while curing inner city crowding to boot?
Under our current
legislation, however, a mere 90 Americans are slain by gunfire every day ‑
hardly sufficient to make a dent in the problems of poverty or
overpopulation ‑ and a small percentage of those who do the slaying are
punished by our judicial system!
The reason for this most
regrettable state of affairs is that existing laws insist on placing some
rather onerous restrictions on the firing of weapons at other people, and
visit some quite unjustified repercussions on those who practice this. For
although legislators have been wonderfully magnanimous in permitting the
unfettered production of firearms, they have been stubbornly ungenerous in
allowing their use to kill! But to what other purpose could they sensibly be
put?
This is clearly absurd, an
obstruction to social progress. It is rather like allowing the production of
automobiles capable of great speed but at the same time imposing limits to
the enjoyment of that speed. This is a great vexation to our motorists (so
well trained and disciplined in vehicle management), as are those tiresome
seatbelt laws and statutes concerning the use of cellphones while driving,
and must be eradicated as a blight on our country's liberty and quality of
life.
But I digress, and must
immediately return to the subject of guns. There can be only one remedy for
legislative barriers against death by gunfire, one means to address this
most lamentable, short-sighted and unenlightened judicial interference and
impediment. And it is this: that having once furnished our citizens with
firearms, we permit, nay encourage, the unfettered use of them.
Now some squeamish
individuals might condemn this corollary to my proposal as being rather
encouraging of Death. But Death is such a misunderstood creature. Once
championed by poets as the joyful conveyor of weary souls to the final
resting place of Elysium, that bringer of sweet repose that puts all mortal
trials to rest, he is now portrayed as some horrible apparition wearing
black, sporting a skull-like mask, and muttering the words: “I am the grip
reaper”. What a preposterous distortion of Death’s true and sweet nature,
what a slander against this cheerful ferryman!
I mean that our
understanding of Death must always be contextual. For if Death, with his
easy yoke and his light burden, brings rest to the downtrodden, surely it is
an act of unwonted kindness and enormous generosity, if we hasten such
persons into his tender embrace.
Among that class of
citizens, I must include, of course, those stiff-necked individuals that are
unwilling to partake of the gift of gun ownership from their government, who
shall surely be no less despised than conscientious objectors of war time.
These persons must be among the first to be eliminated from our brave new
world ‑ a course that will, to a significant extent, run itself, as they
perish at the hands of those who have so courageously taken up arms.
In the event that objectors
escape justice as the natural course of things, shooting parties shall be
appointed to ensure their swift-winged departure into Death’s welcoming arms
and thereby confer on them the perpetual, if undeserved, honor of dying in
the service of their country. Meanwhile, favored citizens, or perhaps those
picked by lottery, will enjoy the eternal distinction and privilege of
forming part of shooting squads and perhaps find much cathartic release from
the stresses of life, and from the unhealthy emotional repression wrought by
wishing to send others to Death but hitherto being prevented from doing so.
Such events will be public affairs, family celebrations, full of revels and
feasting, at which the bonds of community and kinship shall be affirmed once
more.
It will also be greatly to
society’s benefit to bring to such parties, for the purposes of wholesome
cleansing, any infants born to mothers too poor to care for them. It is
surely the act of a civilized people to despatch its young so kindly and
quickly, compared to those ancient nations that left the poor babes on cold
hillsides to die.
Now some may baulk at the
despatching of supposed innocents, but consider the argument of those most
wise and learnèd proponents of abortion, who advocate it as a means to
prevent the birth of children into lives of destitution and misery. For when
poor mothers have been foolish enough to bring their unfortunate progeny
into this world, and consigned the souls of their accursèd offspring to a
life of want, those infants who have passed through abortion’s sieve must
then be put out of their misery, on the unimpeachable grounds that it is
better late than never to enforce Death’s welcome respite, on those to whom
life would be an intolerable burden.
The mothers thus affected
may make some impotent protest and throw up some grating lament to their
imagined heavens, and should therefore be offered the supreme kindness, if
their wailing persist, of joining their children forthwith in the hereafter.
Their swift despatch shall present no loss to society, their husbands having
long ago deserted them, and they themselves newly relieved of their will to
live.
Now lest some heretical
individuals dare to censure my proposal as a little bordering on cruelty,
particularly to the very young, let them in good conscience consider how it
shall provide other children with a free education in the sacred art of
pistol wielding, commencing at the earliest age at which the little fellows
can hold a gun. Firearms competency shall be regarded as a cornerstone of a
well-rounded education, no less than reading, writing and arithmetic, and
shall be established as a requirement for graduation and facilitated by
mandatory practice at a firing range or in a shooting team at least once a
year.
And now, having resolved the
most important philosophical and legal considerations of my proposal, let us
go on to capture the other benefits that hover about us like so many
gilt-winged butterflies. Among these are the industriousness and competitive
spirit my proposal shall engender, not least among weapons manufacturers. In
addition to spawning an entire industry devoted to the production of lighter
firearms for kids, perhaps under the catchy title of "Guns 'R Us", the drive
to produce ever more powerful adult weapons will be fueled by the need to
match the firepower of one's neighbor, and keeping up with the Joneses will
take on a whole new and glorious meaning.
Another great beneficiary
shall be Internet-based business, for those who can work from home and not
risk a foray into danger outside, will spearhead the imaginative use of
modern technology through teleconferencing, e-mail, satellite communication
and the like.
Undertakers too, shall reap
of this fruitful harvest. For they, like Death, have been too long denied
the recognition and approbation so rightfully theirs, and shall rise to
unprecedented prominence in society. We must, at the same time, take pains
to protect our overworked medical professionals from having to treat mere
flesh wounds or maimings, which require such intensive and costly treatment,
by encouraging the most destructive forms of ammunition, those most likely
to effect a quick or instant result. Let us strive to cut out the medical
middleman in favor of our poor disregarded and underappreciated undertaker.
Consider too, the money that
will be saved by eliminating the police force, now redundant, given that it
is no better armed than the populace it serves. Think of the boon to
capitalism, wealth and private enterprise, when wealthy individuals shall
hire their own armies, supplied by private security firms, and gratify our
nostalgic wish for the return to that noble age of the feudal baron.
The final blessing I would
confer upon society from my scheme is to the environment, now breathing more
freely with the removal of much of the population. By this I mean only that
we should protect the cleanliness of our air and water supplies, not that we
should guard our wildlife, for it is a thing useless and superfluous to
modern life, and wasteful of scarce resources. Rather, the killing of animal
life with firearms should be regarded as a fitting recreation of an
enlightened people.
Now in the course of any
great human endeavor, opposition is an inevitable cross to bear. Any
advocate of truth, it seems, will be called upon to defend his contentions
against the multitude of doubters and cynics that swarm, as hornets round
honey, to feed parasitically on that which they did not create, those
doubting Thomases, knee-jerk reactionaries, naysayers, and opponents to
progress. I must therefore endeavor, at every turn, to anticipate their
maneuvers and fortify my argument against all foreseeable objections.
Among them are lame-hearted
arguments that the universal ownership of guns, combined with their
unrestricted use, tends to a climate of Fear. But this is a terrible slander
on Death’s closest cousin, this wondrous agent of transformation. For Fear
makes the heart beat faster and the hands more productive; Fear overcomes
the sins of dullness and indolence; Fear whets the competitive edge, spurs
us on to great accomplishments that would be unimaginable in an atmosphere
of complacency; and Fear sets us apart from those commonplace nations, fat
and indolent, that have followed the reprehensible English in banning the
ownership of firearms altogether.
Some objectors will perhaps
contend that guns are evil. Nay, the gun is of itself a neutral thing, and
only derives any moral significance from the purpose and actions of its
bearer ‑ a principle that may be equally applied to television sets, or the
Internet, both of which may be used for good or ill. Granted that a gun’s
only function is to fling a hard projectile at high velocity that can do
little but destroy, but think of the damage a television set can inflict
when thrown by a person with hostile intentions!
Enemies of truth and freedom
will also countenance their malice in objections based on political science,
among them scruples that I am advocating anarchy. How despicable to muddy
Freedom’s clear waters and slander her good name with such provocative and
blurring labels; what a seditious attempt to clip her bright, fluttering
wings as she discharges her righteous fury against the dross or undeserving
of society! For all the deaths she incurs are a very baptism into new life
for our great nation, a fragrant sacrificial offering on the altar of the
Constitution!
Nevertheless, I will allow
for a few very sensible restrictions on gun use, if only to set the fretting
minds at rest. For instance, the shooting of firearms might be restricted
after midnight in wealthy neighborhoods as being deleterious to the repose
of our dozing captains of industry.
Some other political devils
might impute to my proposal a communist tinge, given that it requires a
redistribution of wealth, however modest, by using taxes to fund a universal
benefit of guns for all. So to scour my argument clean of any ideological
objections on such grounds, I suggest the issuance of firearm coupons, which
a person may redeem at a store or other retail outlet of his or her choice,
such as a gun convention. Thus the private market will be permitted to
flourish with a minimum of government intervention, and the citizen’s
autonomy in selection of product and vendor will be upheld, along with all
our cherished free-market principles.
Let my proposal then, be
added to that great list of truths held to be self-evident, yet requiring
for its implementation no less foresight, leadership and courage, in this
idle era of equivocation and bet-hedging, than those which our founding
fathers drafted against our tyrannical overseas oppressor. Like those brave
principles, and in its support of them, my proposal shall, if we hold
steadfast to its true intent, elicit the plaudits of posterity as a brave
act of great minds and a panacea for the ages. Let us assert and uphold its
maxims and insist that whatever little injuries it brings are far outweighed
by the joys set before us.
The poems on this website are protected by U.S. copyright law and registered with the U.S. Library of Congress.
Please direct any requests for publication, in whatever form or medium, to the author, Ian Reed, at tango_poet@hotmail.com (212) 841-0341.
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